MATCH REPORTS

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Round 9 – SKOB v Brunswick Mudlarks (BM) 

The business end of the season is approaching and SKOB were set to play a Brunswick Mudlarks (BM) side keen to even the ledger after a spiteful first final last year.  SKOB took out BM last year with BM providing the umpiring fraternity with some choice send offs in their native tongues.  S were keen to send off Shibba on his Europe sojourn with the Skipper duties, Sharknation was pumped, juicy and ready to launch some of his own native Klitschko style passion on the footy field.  The Masters Playlist had been circulated via the Spacebook medium and DJ SharkySharkFunkExperience (SSFE) was ripping out all killers and no fillers.  Physio Georgia was in higher demand than Dairy Bell in East Malvern before the bounce with Outcome Dutch getting his year’s membership in Elastoplast on those dodgy ankles.  Frank the Tank and Lime Cordial Murray were their usual proficient selves before the game with the valuables under lock and key and more secure than a Bulldogs win against the hapless Dorkers at Marvel Stadium.  You could tell finals were approaching as suddenly, the Masters had these things called Emergencies listed – for context they are players that are on standby (this never happens in Masters).  Thanks to Biscuits Arnott and the TK Experience for turning up and lending their support for the grudge match.  Some HUGE ins not just in name but also with glorious upper torso styles in the Ben ‘Ford Mustang’ Altis (like a classic timeless machine with plenty of grunt and juiced up for furiousness on the track), Matt ‘Stone Roses’ Stonehouse (ok not massive guns but a nice smile and baby blue eyes), and the man the myth the legend Jessie “Magnificent’ Seven.  #7 PI was like Miami Vice looking fresh and ready for Sunday arvo fever against the Mudlarks.  Mascot Tash Sultana was ready for the fight and pumped after her favourite fan Coach SOC got the Masters’ legends spiced up with a masterpiece address delivered on providing talk, run, energy, focus and executing on teamwork.  Shibba poured a gallon of oil on the burning furnace of SKOB passion with his pre-match speech on letting it rip with love and energy for your fellow teammates and brothers.

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The first quarter started with SKOB all over the pigskin like it was hunting season, unfortunately the forwards were shooting blanks.  The Ministry of Defence was holding the fort for this first stanza with the Double Dutch combination of Glitter Factory Schtick (GFC) continuing his recent great form working well with Outcome Dutch who was playing his best game for the year.  Who says F45 doesn’t work for Footy?  The back combination was working a treat with Angry Ando working the Cartoon Connection with Shibba and Fabulous Phil, whilst the MOD Mount was channelling Bruce Doull sans human chin rug replete with Brill Cream and Ice Man makeover.  The Men’s Department was reflecting DJ SSFE’s tune of 2014 – War on Drug’s driving guitar epoch ‘Under the Pressure’.  Sucos was pivoting more than Steve Ballmer at a Microsoft Launch party and setting up the forwards but without the killer touch of Maffman due to continuing baby cow strain SKOB were toothless.  This led to some frustrating chatter amongst SKOB and low ROFE (Return on Forward Entry for you finance boffins on Collins Street).  Speaking of finance boffins and accounting terminology the Latin What If Wizard Dancin’ Rick was doing his own deep dive analysis of the De La SOUL midfield with his trademark grit and grind in the quarter. This led to Trenners providing a strong contest, but the usual class and finish was lacking, losing the Muztech in the first couple of minutes disabled the forward sharpness and led to SKOB failing to kick a major in the first break.  Brunswick made the most of their entries kicking 3 for the quarter.  Score at the first break SKOB 0.6 (6) to BM 3.1 (19).

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SKOB started the second quarter with more focused run and direction and this led to our first goal coming from Rigatoni Shredded Cheese Manufacturer Shutdown Sheehy – the man for all seasons and positions playing up forward.  Doosh Doosh Woosh was doing his own hunting for the leather after his fruitful potato harvest season (in Ireland where he had been attending one of Tony Hawke aka Burtritto Hughesy’s collaboration with GMF Lucas & Zanna Conlan for an adventure wellness holiday that combines Skating, Zumba and blatantness (Dombowski is involved too).  It’s great to have the Zoosh AP man in the Masters tribe and his fellow midfielders were responding to his zip and attack in the centre with renewed vigour. Magnificent 7 bristled into gear reflecting Tycho’s epic set during the week at the Forum (killer track ‘Awake’) and capitalised on some great run and carry from Flaming Lips Cornell from the wing and SKOB seemed to be charging more than Cough Cough on the Alpines to get back in the game.  Razor Ray Short was fighting valiantly in the ruck against BM’s best player but their midfield started winning the arm wrestle and slammed on a few goals to frustrate SKOB further.  Shibba was showing off the fine conditioning from his ankle recovery with a lovely dash across half back with a couple of bounces – obviously inspired by Woosha’s pedal to the medal style.  However, the entries into the forward line were proving ineffective and SKOB went into the main break 24 points down with plenty of work to do in the second half.

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Half time had a sombre and reflective mood about it in the De La Soul changerooms – Coach SOC knew that we were at odds with what was happening on the field.  SKOB were buying into DM’s fury of doom but SOC knew that we were only a couple of good forward chains away from paradise.  Speaking of paradise Lime Cordial had done some mid-week tinkering of the cordial mixture and the Orange sensation stash was like a party in your mouth – don’t even get me started on Frank the Tank’s jubes – always kicking goals.

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The HF soul session had obviously worked and SKOB were a different team in the second half.  They had taken inspiration from Ben Howard’s ripper folk ballad ‘The Fear’ and overcome the BM second quarter bloodbath and were turning it on.  Strauss Mouse was ripping up his Wheel house and the Waverley Oval with hard contests and rock-hard hits.  Mustang Altis and Magnificent #7 were constant threats with a couple of #7 bombs opening proceedings in the second half.  Any BM forward thrust was meeting the wrath of the Outcome/Shibba/MOD combination.  Brunswick had got the fishing lines out and entangled in the shark trawler nets.  Their attempts at stealing the MOD codes for Paddy Whack’s rocket were tampered in their forward lines radar systems in front of goal.  What if Wizard Caldow was continuing his fine work with some great pressure on BM’s midfield brutes and this time Trenners could finish.  It was like Wednesday night at the Morley household as penned by the Flight of the Concords classic ‘Business Time’ with 2 minutes of SKOB brilliance leading to another SKOB major from the magic boots of #7.  SKOB were galloping back into the contest with the bench support making all the difference – Monty Burns hitting harder than a sassy line from Osher Gunsberg in The Bachelor for a group date (word is Kool Hand Luke Kala made it to the last 2 for this season’s Bachelor nominee), Hospital Ward tranquilising BM’s forward entries, and Huey Lewis providing the backing sax to the Razor Ray soul session in the ruck (think Clarence Clemons in 10th Avenue Freezeout for the BOSS). Antman Lars was trapping the ball in the SKOB forward line and disallowing any BM backline exits.  All was looking tight for a battle of attrition in the last as SKOB went into the last change down by 4 points – SKOB 46 to BM 50.

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The last quarter was a tough one full of tension, spite and uncompromising attacks on the footy.  Stone Roses has warmed to these conditions from his recent work fitting out the Glitz and Glamour of the Mornington Peninsula – Ken would have been smiling ear to ear with his fearless attack on the pill.  Shibba executed a ripping tackle on the BM’s Frothdog Jake (what was going on with the white foam emanating from this man’s lips? Reminded me of Grandmaster Flash’s banger ‘White Lines’) and this got the away team rattled and more concerned with chirping at their opposition than worrying about the game at hand.  Juicy Sucos delivered another Sardana-esque Pivot (those Catalan hips don’t lie) which set up a choice Joyce finish from the Silver Fox providing a great ROFE from the Macquarie Master of Property.  SKOB had found their rhythm and ‘Come Together’ like the rising ditty from Primal Scream and playing as one team in the second half. BM’s response was immediate and this kept the game on a tight rope leading into the final stages of the quarter.  Cometh the moment cometh the Mustang Man as Ben Altis marked the ball 45 metres out with a couple of minutes remaining.  Mustang is a big 90’s hip hop fan and had the Gangstarr banger ‘Moment of Truth’ running through his head – with the critical part of the game leading to this moment.  Shibba yelled out ‘Just Believe Alts’ and why wouldn’t you in those glorious guns as the great man kicked truly from distance and was met with a huge roar from the SKOB brethren.  The work was not done yet as BM launched their own last-minute missile into the teeth of their HSP forward line.  Stone Roses launched like Ian Brown on a Madchester marathon session to take the match saving mark #27 you BEAUTY KEN! Siren then sounded and SKOB won a gritty battle to cast aside BM’s final chances and notch a tough slog that made Skipper Shibba’s heart burst with pride!!

Final scores SKOB 8.11 (59) to BM 9.2. (56)

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This win kept SKOB’s top 2 chances for finals alive and kicking with the last game for the regular season approaching.  Shibba is off for Europe duties with a return for the GF – so keep winning legends. ‘Cast no Shadow’ from these tough wins like the Oasis ballad of choice – it’s the song that Noel Gallagher wrote for Richard Ashcroft from the Verve.  Legends united will never be defeated.  Gritty, full of energy, and passionate.

Goal Kickers: J. Seven 4, D. Sheehy, N. Trenfield, T. Joyce, B. Altis
Best Players: B. Altis, G. Holland, P. Aughton, R. Caldow, N. Trenfield, D. Makohon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Round 8 – Box Hill North (BHN) vs St Kevin’s (SKOB) – Sunday 14 July

 

A grey rainy bleak day greeted SKOB in a Grand Final rematch against BHN at Elgar Reserve.  SKOB had some massive ins with everyone’s favourite amphibian MakoShark, Shtick Glitter Factory (SGF), Gun Show SOC, Too Good Tommy Rolls Royce Simpson, Dr Phil Boyle, Rigatoni Shutdown, Latin Sensation Dancin’ Rick Caldow, Joyous Joyce, and Huey Lewis.  There were also a few Masters debutants in Potato Harvest Doosh Doosh Woosh, 2 tickets to the Gun Show Simon O’Connor (Player SOC), and the Terror from Sud Africa Dave ‘Dale’ Stein.  The conditions presented were torrential and reminded Shibba journo of Noah and his arc – with the joke about Noah and his bees floating in his mind.  Where did Noah put the bees in the arc? In the archives … DJ Sharky Shark Funk Experience had some killer tunes in the pre-game arsenal including Arrest the President by Ice Cube – the beats were pumping, and the lads were jumping getting ready for this one.  Coach SOC’s pre-match address was about loud yap from the respective generals on each line – Shibba in the backline, Sucos in the juicy midfield and the Minister of Defence Pat Mount (MOD Mount) putting on the forward bib and leading the finishers.  The GSD Crew of Masters Legends Frank the Tank (FTF) and John Lime Cordial Murray had the lads prepped and set for a big one – legends united never defeated!

 

SKOB came out of the gates hooves out like the epic band from Oxford – Foals who played a killer gig at Margaret Court Arena (FYI), throttle to the bottle with frothing led by the master of froths aka Frothing Tiger Hidden Dragon (FTHD) – he is the man for all seasons the Dusty of the master’s comp!  MOD Mount was thrown forward, ala Adam Swingman Hunter sans mullet, MOD obtained the launch codes and fired a missile at the BHN backline that hit its target to open up the account for SKOB.  Any BHN forward thrust were met by the Double Dutch assault (available at all Wendy’s outlets in the South East suburbs of Melbourne) down back.  SGF was outshining the Outcome in the battle of the Dutch windmills, you will get him one day Bill .. keep on plugging away champ .. maybe have lunch with Shibba sometime this year and return your mates’ calls for some in the moment feedback. Dale Stein was in every forward contest with his relentless attack on the ball and this led to the Rolls Royce Simpson slamming on the second goal of the contest.  FTHD was EVERYWHERE like the Fleetwood Mac balltearer of a tune and kicked another SKOB sausage roll – it was like a bakery down the clubhouse end.  House Strauss Mouse had put his hand up for ruck duties in Cough Cough and Razor Ray’s absence and was putting his body on the line like a hardened mouse in the wheel house.  Without the Magnificent #7, Terrific Trenners and Hoof Maffman the aerial forward work was done by Joyous Joyce who was backing up after EOFY fallouts, NASDAQ crashes and was using this financial insight to do his own crashing of BHN packs.  Score at the first change SKOB up by 12 points.

 

The second quarter saw BHN at the scoring end and it was showing as plenty of the play was spent in their half.  Schtick Glitter Corp (SGC) was duking everything like it was UDL night at Deakin frat house.  The Rolls Royce / FTHD combination in the midfield was keeping SKOB innit – cat’s heads would be crushed from these legends bone pulsating relentless froth on the leather.  BHN was getting the rub of the green with some questionable decisions to get back into the contest.  To SKOB’s credit we accepted these calls, even a Harro free kick in front of goal led to some quality gags from Shibba on the mark – What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe? Roberto!! Harro acknowledged the hilarity of the moment to Shibba after slotting the major.  SKOB cast this aside and pivoted like one of Outcome’s excel spreadsheets (you rainman nerd Gez) to get on their own roll.  This goal started in the backline with Doc running through the stagnant BHN pressure to deliver to Skipper Sucos who slithered like Eric the Eel through the guts and kicked forward to find the tyro Dale Steyn Stein who dually converted.  Flaming Lips Cornell was tripping through the gates of Elgar Road turnoff with his ballistic attack in the half back line – he didn’t want some of the Double Dutch combo he wanted the whole thing with their collaboration warming the heart of Coach and Player SOC (2 Tickets).  It was evident the big dawgs were back in town in the Men’s Department as the talk and accountability were up.  In the words of Snoop Dog in ‘Who am I (What’s my Name)’ – the Shib Dawgy Dog (SDD) knew his name and his teammates who he was holding to account but lost his marbles when some ball watching from the mids resulted in the BHN Wombat #45 got a cheap mark 30 metres out and converted much to everyone’s frustration.  Midfield follow your man when the ball is in dispute.  Huey Lewis was back from his Mexicasa Jazz Fiesta and was supporting the Wheel House Strauss.  Morls and Infantry Ward then got the momentum flowing with some brutal tackles leading to Muztech Murray finishing the play with more class then his Summadayze bumbag he has been repping at the Rathdowne Village shoppo.  SKOB finished the half ‘So Dangerous’ like the Briggs belter to cap off Australian NAIDOC week with TOO GOOD Tommy S cutting more moves than Mundine in a Green fight with a killer blow and ruthless goal right before the siren.  Score SKOB up by 11 points at the main break.

 

At the half time break the GSD had a platter of FTF jubes and Watermelon Cordial (nice change up John) to energise and lift the shakrah of Masters Men from the heavens opening up at Elgar Reserve.  Coach SOC delivered a mesmerising sermon about fighting for finals confirmation with this win and sending a strong message to De La that we can win in any conditions rain hail or shine.  It reflected the Ben Harper ballad ‘Better Way’ with SKOB ignoring the Wombat’s ramblings and listening to the line generals’ instructions for inspiration and clarity.  The Venn Diagram of half time was put on butcher’s paper: Heart, Passion and Teamwork equals a memorable win.  The generals were like a Spanish cover band of 1 Direction – Juan Direction.

 

BHN got back into the contest in the early stages of the second half as they flexed their muscles through Harro who was winning the arm wrestle despite the dynamic work through the air from SGC.  Biscuits Arnott and Fridge Cameron were born for these conditions and they kept it simple and consistent – body behind the footy and gain territory at every contest.  Monty Burns was resembling the power of the Springfield Nuclear Plant with his energy and run repelling the BHN momentum.  This led to a great team goal from SKOB originating from a long and direct kickout from SDD to the Latin Sensation Ricky Martin Caldow crumbed by Dr Phil handballing to FTHD who charged through the half forward line to slam it through the hey diddle diddle.  Unfortunately, BHN answered immediately to put themselves 3 points down at the last break.  The 3 quarter time huddle was full of tension with SDD letting the mids know that cut lunches would be thrown if BHN Wombat #45 got another cheap mark within the forward 50 in the last quarter.

 

The last stanza reflected a battle of attrition fought in swamplands and who else would you want in the trenches then the Rigatoni Master Shutdown, Electric Eel Woosha Aughton and Guns of Steel SOC (cheering from the sidelines after his glorious biceps had broken down due to the lack of melatonin in the conditions).  Froth time Tigger was at every contest, with Sucos Marca and Simo by his side to pressure BHN into errant disposals.  The galahs were vacating the reserve and the backline were impenetrable throughout this battle with General Shibba marshalling them and Flaming Lips keeping the Double Dutch combo in check.  As the final siren sounded the collective sigh of relief was heard throughout Elgar Road with SKOB getting through by the proverbial bee’s appendage by 2 points.  This win was full of heart, passion and grit, and thankfully was one with minimal injuries and showed the character of this posse.  Great team effort with the Weeping Willows song belted out with gusto in a similar fashion.  BHN’s season was on the line and they threw the kitchen sink at us and everyone did their bit to get us the win.  Like the Stonemason’s mantra made famous by the 2013 San Antonio Spurs and Greg Popovich their legendary coach – It takes 1,000 hits of a stone to break it with each hit worth just as much as the other.  Stone Roses love was ringing in the away club rooms like a winner’s cowbell – more COWBELL

 

Goal Kickers: T. Simpson 2, A. Hamilton 2, P. Mount, D. Stean, P. Murray
Best Players: A. Hamilton, T. Simpson, D. Makohon, B. Marchesani, P. Holland, R. Caldow

 

Round 7 – Point Cook FC Bulldogs v St Kevin’s Masters

by David “Shark” Makohon

The blockbuster games kept on rolling after a bye so SKOB were pumped, full of juicy sucos and ready to pin the ears back and let it rip at Saltwater Reserve in Point Cook. It was 2nd (SKOB) vs 3rd (Point Cook – PC) the 8-point game to give the winner a chance to separate themselves from the pack at their heels. It was the glorious spectacle, the Eclipse (he is so good looking you can’t look directly at him) Luke Kalesaran’s 150th game. Kala is a no fuss, hard at it, smooth operator (Sade wrote a song about him) and the lads were ready to reward him with a big George W Bush. Some big ins welcomed the fans at Saltwater with Dr Phil returning from his symposium in the US on Relationships and Rednecks, Agro Smith back from the unfortunate end to the Agro’s Cartoon Connections (due to artistic differences with Ranger Stacey). The beast Trenners, Magnificent #7 from his stint as a Mountain Trooper in Vancouver, and a couple of new additions to the mix, Biscuits Arnott and a challenger to the Rigatoni Chisel that is Sheehy in Monty Burns. The unavailable column listed the Rigatoni Shutdown, Shibba still in the Rehab group at WB headquarters with SKOB alumni Libba and Mitch Wallis, Ministry of Defence aka the Godfather P Mount, Tommy Too Good Simo, Ricky Martin Caldow and Muztech. Tony Hawke has gone missing this season due to his overseas Zumba and Skating stint in Cali, mashing kerbs and potatoes, and starting up his new business venture HUBER – an online platform for renting out horses that eat burritos. GSD Frank the Tank had the lads ready and firing and getting the blinkers on after tackling the Urban Planning disaster that is Point Cook Road – seriously Daniel Andrews sort this suburb and that one road entry point out. 

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First quarter started with some hot SKOB attack from the Frothing Tiger Hidden Dragon (FTHD) – this man knows no other way then to get in, under and around anything with leather.  The on-ball brigade is always looked after when the Cough Cough McCullagh and Razor Ray Short combination are in the ruck and this game was no different.  Cough Cough is a throwback to Marshawn Lynch in the NFL – Beast mode 24 hours a day like Eric Bana kickboxing in the castle.  Kala was playing a captain’s game with his trademark run across half back being ably supported by some fine aerial duke work from the Outcome Holland.  Unfortunately, he could not be joined by his brother Schtick Business due to some maintenance repairs at the family run enterprise, an East Bentleigh Glitter Factory ‘Schtick Glitter’.  Flaming Lips Cornell was relishing his run in the midfield and Spudhead Ireland was ploughing through the Point Cook paddocks digging for more goal spuds. Trenners rewarded this run with a major and then Razor Ray was repping the White Lines Song by Grandmaster Flash (the American one not the SKOB Zumba one) by slicing and dicing through the air and kicking straight.  Siren at the first change saw SKOB up by 10 points against the breeze.

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The second quarter saw the lads challenged by the Human Keg in PC colours who was putting his team on his large and expansive back and skinny legs with the first goal.  SKOB responded as good teams do with some ferocious attack on the pill from Sucos Marca and Lars Puopolo Marca, it was like a game of Marca Polo with the PC players snatching at thin air trying to tackle those stumpy legs and delicious rigs. #7 was back to his high marking best with his launches higher than Lance Armstrong and safe mitts putting smiles on his biggest fans in the stands Shibba and Tash Sultana.  Unluckily the cruel Grim Reaper of master’s injuries struck in the quarter with SKOB Shervo Landers and Hoof Maff Shannon suffering hamstring and baby cow strains respectively and out for the contest. These losses were offset by the bustling work in the forward line from Fabulous Phil Cameron and delightful dash on the wing from ChuckNation Filipovic.  Inspired by the dominant Australian cricket display the night before against the Kiwis TK Experience was showing a straight bat to any PC forward thrusts with his golden fist and great pins!!  Speaking of Kiwis Dr Phil Boyle had obviously been listening to some Flight of the Concords and it was BUSINESS TIME on the PC deck for him with his work off half back and waxing lyrically with Outcome Dutch who was filling in the big shoes of MOD Mount and the other general down back in Shibba. Sucos Marca and Trenners kicked a couple of late snags to take SKOB to a 15-point lead at half time.

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At the main break Coach SOC was trying to stop Monty Burns’ kids steal all the jubes supplied by Frank the Tank (and orange cordial – DELICIOUS) and provide the message to the master’s Army – take them on and let’s start rewarding the mids with some straight kicking.

The second half started with Point Cook coming back into the contest like an old hit from Barnesy – lifting you higher and higher (cover of Jackie Wilson).  PC Bulldogs were like their namesakes of Footscray v Port Power with a harder attack on the footy, full court press and benefited from some frustrating play from SKOB.  Too much was left to the twin dynamos of FTHD and Cough Cough Beast Mode. There were some positive signs in the quarter with Sucos Marco getting juicy in the guts like a Catalan Chief cooking some paella, but the service delivery was off point as was the forward line connections after the Maffra Marvel Shannon calf strain left us a man short in duke work. Rigatoni Burns was showing more brute force than his energetic rugrats who were tearing up the concourse viewing area climbing bins and Sharknado’s glorious guns.  Ben Warrior Ward was providing the springboard from the Men’s Department but like TISM’s classic ballad about Urban Planning in Point Cook ‘Greg the Stop Sign’ was bottlenecked in the midfield due to Keggsy’s large rig in the centre. Lars Puopolo did get a cheeky SKOB snag at the end of the quarter against the PC toll tide.  Score at the last break was SKOB up by 4 points with the wind in the last.

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The 3rd quarter time huddle was like a Dr Phil Leading Teams session on steroids – maybe Monty Burns had Smithers prime up the Men’s Department? Spiritual Backline Leader Shibba (SBLS) and Coach SOC were channelling the beats of Hilltop Hoods ballad ‘Chase that Feeling’ imploring the troops to chase the winning feeling and we don’t lose on EOFY day - never have never will.  SKOB Masters even had the CEO of the RBA Philip Lowe addressing the whole team on their EOFY tax strategies and forward line delivery.  The first contest of the last quarter showed that we were all listening to Shibba and SOC (Lowe not so much) with FTHD putting his melon over the pill like Con the Fruiterer at his Point Cook market stall.  A Razor Ray double and Dr Phil goal rewarded FTHD’s ballistic approach to silence the home crowd.  When the Human Keg from PC tried to moz the Doc’s set shot with some rubbish banter SBLS hosed down the Keg telling him to roll back to the bar as it has been 46 seconds since the Carlton Draught keg was finished and he must be back at the bar pronto.  The men in green, gold and blue put the foot on the throat of the PC Bulldogs with their Teamwork which was making the Westside Dream work for SKOB.  Dale Stean resembled his namesake Dale Steyn with his aggression pace and swing through the Saltwater Reserve air.  Sucos put the Catalan Cream on the SKOB Masters Cake with a lovely finish on the run to slap the door shut on the Bulldogs.  #7, Outcome. Skipper Kala and Burns were like Homer, Lenny, Mo and Karl at the Springfield Plant shutting down Point Cook’s power source and generating some wind power from the Ministry of Defence.  Final score SKOB winners by 38 points.

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Next round we will have a few back so make sure you are training.  SKOB journo John Foogle.com has heard whispers that SBLS may make it back.  The OG Rigatoni Sheehy could be back, the bench press at Byron has been getting a workout and as always he has been grating some Byron Fetta with that torso and is primed for a return.

 

Point Cook   1.1-7    2.5-17  5.5-35   5.7-37

St Kevin's      2.5-17  4.8-32  5.9-39  9.11-65

 

Goal Kickers: R. Short 3, B. Marchesani 2, N. Trenfield 2, N. Marchesani, P. Boyle

Best Players: A. Hamilton, M. McCullagh, B. Marchesani, J. Seven, P. Boyle, L. Kalesaran

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SKOB MASTERS 2019 – ROUND 5 MATCH REPORT 

by David “Shark” Makohon

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Round 5 brought SKOB Masters to Waverley Oval where De La Salle (DLS) aka De La SOUL (mad band) hosted them in the Twilight match after the seniors.  DLS beat SKOB Seniors in the Anthony Molan Cup so the Masters crew were ready to lift the spirits and put the pep in the step of the SKOB faithful.  Matty Lucas aka Grandmaster Flash has been putting himself through a Zumba challenge at the Goldie and Nick Puops Marca aka BOS (Brother of Sucos) joined him for the ZUMBA HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) session and was unavailable to pull up the SKOB guernsey.  His unavailability was like a plague as Shibba (General of the backline, DJ SHARKY SHARK FUNK EXPERIENCE (SSFE) and amazing scribe), Ricky Martin Caldow, Dr Phil (another Deep Dive Analysis with Oprah), Schtick business, Angry Ando (meniscus – the best word), Huey Lewis (playing at Melbourne Jazz Fest) and The Magnificent Seven Jesse were also not able to make the big game.  This was set for a big game with DLS having 3 players registering their 300th game.  The SOUL has 8 on their bench compared to SKOB’s 1 – to say we were undermanned was like saying Zumba is the future of fitness – pretty bleeding obvious.  The Masters had a decent crowd including the Italian Mafia Pete Souma – looking fresh in his best godfather get up.  DJ SSFE had the BEETroots and bangers playing, the GSD crew was missing the 2IC Cordial Murray Snr but as always Frank the Tank had his hand on the pulse and the Masters were ready to rock on the Waverley dance floor.  MOD Mount was back from his symposium in South East Asia, ready to build the fortress in Shark’s absence and was looking as fresh as brill cream – a timeless classic.  Coach SOC instructed the troops to be like Sponge Bob Square Pants and absorb the early SOUL pressure and use the corridor to challenge the home team.

 

SKOB came out of the blocks in the first with some ferocious attack on the leather – Morz was all over it like a rather large child on a cupcake and this resulted in an inspiring goal to give SKOB the early ascendancy.  Wayne ‘Flaming Lips’ Cornell was showing off some of his back catalogue forcing DLS to Realize that he is an absolute weapon ripping through the lines off the half back line.  This Warrior was charging through and providing more inspiration to the Men’s Department down back.   The undersized backline was caught out a few times by the SOUL’s tall timber to put the green, blue and gold army on the back foot with a couple of quick goals.  Luckily the Masters have this guy called Terrific Tom Simpson who was cutting more lines in the midfield then Lindsay Lohan when she is making fetta in Greece and set up another SKOB goal with his cash and carry.  Stonehedge was in a different role in the Men’s Department and he was combining well with the House Strauss Mouse to prevent further damage in the last part of the quarter and were Tightening Up like the belter tune from the Black Keys.  SKOB finished off the term with a few late goals including a corker from Frothing Tiger Hidden Dragon (FTHD) to lead by 3 goals at the first change.

 

The second stanza was all SOUL despite the best efforts of Razor Ray Sharp controlling the airwaves and the NBN connection for the East Malvern region. The backline was under constant pressure being held up by the Ready 2 Wear ‘Felix da Housecat’ incumbent of 2IC MOD responsibilities aka the Outcome Dutch Holland who was providing plenty of drive and forward opportunities through his polished runs through the middle.  He was supported well by Fabulous Fridge Phil Cameron who was doing his best impersonation of a bounce entertainment centre with his constant springboards from the back half. COUGH COUGH McCough was surging in the ruck and providing first use to the likes of FTHD and Morz. However footy is a team game and this was left to too few in the second quarter. The conditions suited the burrowing work of Chicken Pizza Campagna who was getting under every pack like he was trying to find his elusive Nike Air Maxes.  At the main break SOUL had clawed back the deficit to 1 point.

 

GSD Frank the Tank had the jubes and cordial ready for sustaining the team at half time.  Coach SOC encouraged SKOB to have the Eye of the Tiger and get into BEAST mode for the second half.  The slate was clean and ready for a Picasso in the next stage.

 

The third quarter was closer to a Pro Hart mash up as SKOB failed to challenge the scorers but contained the constant SOUL sessions throughout the quarter.  There was some Grace Under Pressure from Rigatoni Shutdown whose rig can grate cheese.  Bobby Grace (former St Kev’s chemistry teacher) would have been proud of the Men’s Department and Shutdown’s repeat efforts and well as the STONE Roses Ian Brown Matthew Stonehouse making Ken #27 smile (looking fresh Ken).  There were some valiant efforts from Muztech, Too Good Tommy and Sucos throughout the quarter but again it was left to too few to carry the candle.  The highlight of the quarter was seeing Can You Smell what the Rock Damien Ryan looking delicious in his running get up – like a purling Pink Panther!!!  Chuck Nation’s dash on the wing provided some opportunities but it was a SOUL festival that SKOB could not get into.  DLS up by 3 goals at the last change.

 

The last quarter resembled ‘Running on Empty’ by Jackson Browne as the bench was out of tickets and SOUL motive were running on air with more O2 supply on the bench.  It was one-way traffic but a consolation goal from Morz providing 3 goals for the great man for the match.  Maff Shannon was in dire need of some aerial support up forward as he was constantly double teamed and consequently outmarked.  Benny Brute Ward kept on putting his body on line regardless of the scoreboard – what a beast! Spudman Ireland kept on chugging along putting out 2nd and 3rd efforts to let the SOUL know what SKOB is about.  DLS finished strong and took the chocolates comfortably in the end by 6 goals.

 

Whilst it wasn’t the result we were after it was a tough challenge and showed us the yardstick for the competition.  With Sharknation and a few other key players back after our bye next round and we should be at full strength and then the competition will get a more accurate representation of SKOB Masters footy.  Rest up lads, RICE not Dean but Rest Ice Compression and Elevation of those baby calves, do your beach sessions and couch lizard time and let’s let it rip at Point Cook in late June.

 

ST KEVIN'S

Goal Kickers: C. Morley 3, D. Sheehy, A. Hamilton, R. Short
Best Players: A. Hamilton, T. Simpson, M. Stonehouse, C. Morley, M. McCullagh, G. Holland

​

ROUND 4 MATCH REPORT 

by David “Shark” Makohon

SKOB welcomed Hillside Sharks at De La Salle’s (DLS) Waverley Oval due to scheduling conflicts at TH King.  DLS’ great facilities were matched with some epic weather and the bar staff aka Rocking Roy made the supporters feel at home – thanks to DLS for their hospitality.  The Get Stuff Done (GSD) crew aka Frank the Tank and John Orange Cordial Murray had the Masters prepared (1st key to success) and fresh for the big game.  Hillside had done some recruiting in the new year and had some impressive early season form so it was a big game for SKOB.  The Masters were down some BIG names down back – Angry Ando Smith, Sharknation, Doctor Phil (appointment with Oprah) however this was offset with some big names back.  Minister of Defence (MOD) P Money Mount had returned from fostering Russia and Vietnamese relations in Nha Trang Vietnam, Tommy Too Good Simpson, Maff Shatman, Maddawg McCoughcough (BOG from our 2018 Premiership Grand Final) and some new recruits in the Schtick business Paul Holland (Brother of The Outcome Gerard and son of Anne) and Steve Shirvington Landers were bringing the tall timber and muscle into the mix. It was a huge game for SKOB with two club champions in Pete Muztech Murray and Razor Ray Short playing their 150th games.  These two have contributed a lot to the club, being Reserves 2007 and 2005 Club XVIII premiership players respectively and both 2018 Masters Premiers.  Graham the Physio had the loins stretched out and loose for all players.  DJ SHARKY SHARK FUNK EXPERIENCE had all bangers and no mash in the pre-match playlist and Coach SOC had the team frothing for the first bounce.

 

The first quarter was a frustrating one for SKOB with more play and attack than their sharky shark counterparts but some missed opportunities.  To add salt to these fresh wounds Hillside Sharks were circling and launching into attack like a venomous great white to make the most of their limited entries by kicking straight.  The backs were tighter than a Dutch Don Pike with the Outcome and his big bro Schticky Wicky repelling attacks and sweeping up like glitter on a big night out.  MOD Mount was marshalling the backline and Kourageous Kala was providing plenty of zip off the half back line.   The mids were connecting well with Sucos slicing and dicing the centre and Frothing Tiger Hidden Dragon (FTHD) launching himself into every pack with no regard for his own safety (love your work great man).  The forwards needed to capitalise on the great work from Tommy Too Good but alas the score at quarter time was SKOB 4 points to Hillside 14 – not much of a lead but the lads were hungry to turn the tide.

 

Strauss Mouse lockdown was on in the second quarter as SKOB backs gave Hillside cinnamon donuts (similar to the one Big Bill Shorten had to gulp down the following morning).  SKOB were back in the quarter and a great way to celebrate a milestone is to go to your local bakery and dine on sausage rolls and that what Razor Ray and Muztech did in the quarter and it awoke the Masters beast!  Soon enough everyone was putting blocks on, communicating well (2nd key to success) and this was evident with Stonehedge shepherding space on the wing for FTHD to run through and launch into attack.  This quarter the forwards were rewarding their tough work with Maff Human Hoof Shannon kicking his customary long goal.  Not to be outdone the Magnificent #7 Jesse was gobbling everything coming his way and converting.  The Holland boys weren’t letting Anne down with some solid work down back and connecting through Sucos and Dancing Rick in the guts to close out the quarter with a MORS MORS MORS grunt goal.  Score at the main break was SKOB up by two goals and making the sharks looking like they had lost their bite.

 

Half time is always sorted with the GSD crew (sustenance key 3 for success) and SOC had the inside word that the Sharks were old and slow (unlike the Mako Shark #21 for SKOB aka Shibba – Shark Libba).  SOC implored the lads to run & gun and use the conditions to burn them in the second half.

 

Masters men listen and this was evident in a scintillating stanza as Maddawg Coughman bashed and crashed the packs, Huey Lewis provided some aerial brilliance and Lars Marca capped off this fine work with a couple of snags.  Nate Strauss was given the task of siren blowing and watching his old man provide some solid leads and forward work.  Spudhead Ireland was enjoying the green pastures of DLS running the toothless sharks off their feet.  Sucos and FTHD continued their great form through the season running the lines and Hoofman Shat put on a couple of majors to give SKOB a significant lead heading into the last change.  SKOB up by 4 goals with the game still in the balance at the 3-quarter time siren. 

 

The last quarter was a feeding frenzy of sharks – none were spared: white sharks, tiger sharks, shortfin Mako sharks, whitetip sharks, bull sharks and great whites.  DA NA DA NA DA NA DA NA it was like a Jaws remake in 2019 with the blue, gold and green hoops sent to take over the ocean at Waverley Oval.  The backs weren’t letting anything through with Warrior Wayne Cornell inspired by the upcoming GoT finale doing his best impersonation of a possessed white walker with his attack on the pill. Shutdown Rigatoni marking everything like he squeezes steel – no stone was left unturned (execution key 4 for success).  Magnificent #7 capping off his brute of a game with his third goal to put a smile on the dial of SKOB supporter faces.  Ricky Caldow was putting on more moves than his Latin counterpart. TK Kehoe experience and Fabulous Phil Cameron put the cherry on top of the performance with their rugged attack on shark remains. SKOB sent a statement to the competition with their stay classy San Diego finish and the game concluded with minimal injuries being a customary baby cow strain from Shirvington Landers.  A wonderful afternoon of footy and the nice tune up for the upcoming blockbuster next round against DLS.  Final score was SKOB doubling the sharks with a 49-point win.

 

Scores
SKOB MASTERS      0.4      5.6      9.8      15.8.98
HILLSIDE SHARKS   2.2      3.6      5.7        7.7.49

 

Goal Kickers: M. Shannon 4, J. Seven 3, N. Marchesani 2, R. Short 2, B. Marchesani, C. Morley, T. Simpson, P. Murray
Best Players: T. Simpson, A. Hamilton, M. Shannon, M. McCullagh, G. Holland, P. Murray  

​

SKOB Masters v Whittlesea – Round 2 Twilight Match at TH King

 

SKOB Masters #backtoback2019 were lucky enough to open up their 2019 account on the plush surrounds of TH King against the lads from Whittlesea under the bright lights.  This is the first time the Masters have played at the KingDome under lights and what a time to be alive with the deck looking a treat and the SKOB faithful out in force cheering us on.  There was no flag to unfurl but to see SKOB faithful stay around for us was a great sight.  Unfortunately, the seniors were unable to get the chocolates in the pre-cursor game, so it was up to the old lads to show the way and put some SKOB smiles back on dials.  The Masters welcomed some new and old faces to the mix with Gerard ‘The Outcome’ Holland, Andy ‘Frothing Tiger Hidden Dragon (FTHD)’ Hamilton, Ben ‘Guns’ Altis, Patty ‘Doctor Phil’ Boyle, Rich ‘Huey’ Lewis, Chuck Nation and Ben ‘Twinkle Toes’ Ward putting the green, yellow and blue hoops on after either some time off or for the first time.  Unfortunately, Tony Hawk Burrito Burger Hughes was a late withdrawal due to work commitments grinding some rails at the Strathmore Skate Park.  Dave Murray fired up the troops pre-game with his inspirational words about building the bonds, networks and memories through success and hard work and this message was definitely strong and relevant for the Masters campaign to go back to back in 2019.

 

DJ Sharky Sharky FunkExpress (SSFE) had the tunes ripping and the lads were frothing like Mako’s dog at the pre-game huddle as Coach SOC added more petrol to the fire with his clear direction to run run run run run.  The boys listened as we hit Whittlesea hard in the first quarter Razor Ray Short was controlling the airwaves in the guts with some fine tap work into the awaiting arms of the Marca Italian Mafia.  The Impassable Wall down back Nick Trenfield had been moved up forward and was presenting an immediate option with his strong marking rewarding the mids for their fine work.  Lars opened up our account for the year with a nice finish 30 metres out (at about his distance).  Within the first couple of minutes SKOB had a couple of goals and giving the locals a great show.  Whittlesea did make some forward thrusts, but they were thwarted by some strong duke work from Sharknado who was combining well with Doctor Phil who was like a surgeon cutting through the Whittlesea bodies.  The Ministry of Defence was led well by Patty Maddawg Mount, sporting a very sharp cut for the Saturday night fixture and another good looking rooster in Kala who was also providing some zip out of the back half and finding Chuck Nation on the wing to set up a couple more goals to finish off the first quarter.  Regrettably, we did lose our forward weapon Shatman Shannon to a baby cow strain.   Notwithstanding this, SKOB were up by 6 goals at the first break with the rock hard defence having a clean sheet for the quarter.     

 

The second quarter was more of an arm wrestle with Whittlesea putting their bodies on the line and clogging up the SKOB forward line.  Rich ChickenParmagiana was getting plenty of the pill and doing his best impersonation of a velodrome running in multiple circles, maybe take the first option sometimes Chitch! Sucos and Spudhead Ireland were lapping up the TH King with some hard running and FTHD was his usual in and under manic self frothing at each contest … good to have you in the masters mix this year TIGGER. This grunt work was rewarded by some bustling work by Trennes and Corolla Altis, the dynamic duo in the forward half.  Mors provided the highlight of the first half with an excellent running goal that put the cherry on top of great teamwork from the SKOB army #skobmastersnation.  Some inaccuracy in front of goal prevented a larger lead at half time and Whittlesea registered their first goal to keep the margin around 7 goals at the big break.

SOC implored the team to send a message to the comp with a strong second half and indeed they did as Muztech and Dancing HEEYY Rrrick were putting their head over the footy and clearing it out of the centre to the awaiting arms of Trennies.  Nick was far too elusive for his opponent and if he wasn’t getting set up with precision passing from Chuck Nation from the pocket, he was dishing it off to Lars Marca for some lovely finishes.  The Outcome was sent forward to the be focus on the half forward line and crashed some packs resulting in a Ward goal.  The backline was again repelling any Whittlesea advances with Warrior Wayne Cornell busting through the packs waxing lyrically with Doctor Phil.  The midfield was continually driving it forward with the best rig in the comp Rigatoni Sheehy showing that 4 kids won’t slow down this chiselled machine.  SKOB had the game in control but were wasteful in front of goal – there were some beautiful looking points with Bustling Ben Ward crashing the packs and snapping what looked to be a classic goal until it swung late and clipped the post!  The last change saw SKOB up by 10 goals and hungry for more in the last.

 

The last quarter saw Trenners doing his best impersonation of Plugger completely dominating the front half with some great supply from Frank Marca’s sons, who had leather poisoning and capped off a fine performance.  Meataxe Strauss was doing his best impression of the Rock of Gibraltar not letting anything through and obviously taking some inspiration from the NBA Playoffs with a between the legs tap back to Kala to start another SKOB surge ending up in another Trenfield major.   Whittlesea kept pressing forward however it was to no avail as David David Makohon took some inspiration from John John Florence’s win at Bells with some cutbacks from defence intercepting the opposition’s movements.  It was a great team performance with SKOB winning each quarter and the match by 83 points.

 

Goal Kickers: Trenfield 8, N Marchesani 2, Altis, Campagna, B Marchesani, Morley, Ward

Best Players: Trenfield, B Marchesani, Filipovic (Chuck Nation), Campagna, Altis, Sheehy (Rigatoni)